it's raining... and i have no boy to take to the park to play... stupid star wars
Thursday, May. 19, 2005, 00:03

so a few nights ago i had a freak out...

apparently i like it when matt worries... pft...

it was a jeremy thing... a goonies thing. it's stupid but... it's what happened.

i didnt expect it to happen... i didnt think goonies would be a bad spot, i've been planning on watching it with matt since he said he wanted me to see it (since i didnt really see it before) and the jeremy thing hadnt even popped into my mind.

later in the night we were laying in bed... he asked me if i was having a thinking tantrum (...thinking tantrum?? ...word chunks?? this boy is catching sara germs)

my thinking tantrum was basically "do i deserve to think that i love him" seeing as the way i felt about jeremy... because i thought a few months ago that jeremy was the one i wanted to be with... so i wondered if jeremy ever realized what he had done... figured out that he wanted me... would i let go of matt for him?

and just because i am a rat in a maze when it comes to answering questions like that i did a little pro and con list.

i started with matt because it was only fair... i was using him as a pillow. i started with all the shallow stuff... and once i got to 'because of the way he looks when he smiles when i walk into his work', or 'the way my stomach flips when he calls' i realized that my matt list would go on forever and jeremy would never get a chance. (not to mention the fact that number two in the list was "matt's here")

so i stopped thinking, and told matt that i loved him.

he said that i sounded like i really meant it.

i wanted to tell him why... why i sounded like that... and i've been trying to come up with a way to tell him ever since...

but i guess i just did

i love you matt

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