boys up the ass yo (and not in a dirty way)
Friday, Dec. 17, 2004, 02:07

my sadness has flipped over to anger. i still feel the sadness in me but i think it stems from the anger i feel towards myself.

the anger is directed mostly at jeremy for lies. not so much lies, but... things that weren't true... but probably weren't meant to be lies... if that makes sense

i made a rule for myself just after the whole chris thing. this rule? no sex. the rule worked out well seeing as i could have had sex with both rob and brett. but i didnt.

but rob was right in what he said. i was being a little ho ish... although he told me after i figured it out for myself.

anyway, i made this rule... but i knew that i would break it for jeremy. i love him. i want to be with him forever. i want to have his babies and wake up with him for the rest of my life. i figured that was a good enough excuse to break such a rule. plus he makes me so damn horny... but that's besides the fact.

feeling the way he felt he should have NEVER let me break that rule. feeling that i am just a girl he worrys about and wants to protect is not the reason to have sex with said girl who has said feelings.

especially since it could turn out very much like it did with chris. which it did.

so now. this guy that i love love love has turned into just another number in my list of boys ive slept with.

and there's regret.

and i never wanted to regret that.

*reasons are like seasons/ they constantly change/and the seasons of last year/ like reasons have floated away - something corporate, me and the moon*

i'm a very physical person... and nico has a problem with that. it bugs him when i touch him mostly because it causes him to gain an attraction towards me. he doesnt want to like me like that because he knows i'm not interested like that.

i told him 'yea i'm never dating again anyway'

he said 'you will find someone who makes you feel the way he did and you will date again. maybe matt?'

and then i got a little wierded out. i asked him why matt and he said he walked in on a conversation between matt and aaron and heard matt say that he liked me.

the great thing about the relationship that i have with matt is that it's fun. we can hang out and not be bored... we can close together and always have something to talk about. and we flirt hardcore non stop... ever since he started. and it's fun.

but i didnt think anything would come of it.

i'm gonna have to think about this one

laters

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