i am a butterfly but you wouldnt let me die
Sunday, Dec. 19, 2004, 02:12

alright.

to the writing.

work sucked tonight. except for the part where i made 115 dollars. we had a full screen of pizzas to make for 3 hours running. we were at least fifteen orders behind at any given time

it was fun.

and on to the real reason i am posting.

i mentioned in my last entry about how i'm a very physical person and nico has a problem with that. i realized last night that the reason i cant not be physical with him is because he reminds me so much of jeremy and it feels natural.

there's a lot of things about him. but the big one is the fact that i can trust him to not tell anything i have told him to anyone else. and i feel comfortable telling him just about anything because he always has something to say that makes me feel better.

i told him last night in a text message about the whole jeremy/touching thing and he responded by saying 'do you like me, or does the fact that i remind you of jeremy make you like me'

i told him 'mostly two but i think a little bit of one'

he said 'we should go out then'

then i called my dad and talked to him for a while and i didnt respond to his message so he called me (btw... chris is fixed... i'll prolly pick him up monday and i will be overjoyed)

when he called he didnt say anything about what we had been talking about but he asked me if i wanted to go see oceans 12 because he knows i wanted to see it and it was playing at the university square theater... which is cheap so...

so we went.

and when we got home at around 2 (the movie started at midnightish) i told him i should probably get to sleep because i thought (at that time - because of what my dad had told me) that i was going to pick chris up sometime this morning and i would have to get up early.

well...

things happened. i called him a bitch one too many times as he was leaving (he tucked me into bed before he was gonna leave... awww) and as punishment... he kissed me.

we had been talking and a few days ago he said he was gonna steal something from me... it ended up that it was my heart (after many rediculus guesses that included the toilet, the refridgerator and the floor of my house, i forced him to tell me)

and... yea...

more punishment in the form of trying to keep me awake by staying with me all night insued and we talked for a long time. i think we finally fell asleep around six.

he tells me i'm perfect. for him. and in general. he's a big sap too.

at one point i said to him 'i'm a princess yo' and he said 'ok... i'll make sure you always feel like that'

so now i'm uber confused. because i cant tell if i'm attracted to him because he has the assets of jeremy that i love. and because he makes sense to me at this moment in time. or if it's just that i miss jeremy so much that he's a good substitue and he's here right now... and he wants me...

or...

if those two things are the same.

and i dont want to lead him on. i've done enough of that in my life and i dont like the way it makes others feel...

and i dont want him (if i do choose him) to live with the knowledge that he is living in jeremy's shadow for the rest of whenever... and have him think he's made the wrong decision himself.

SO... i'm full of dilema goo and i cant figure anything out.

i work with him tomorrow and he said he was coming over tomorrow night but i told him i had to think first. and think actually means write it all down.

because my mind moves a mile a minute and i cant clear stuff up like that. so really... this entry is just for me to figure out what's going on inside me.

he broke my floor. he got up this afternoon and i wasnt awake yet and all of a sudden i was awoken by a huge thump and my bed being lopsided. the one leg was sitting on a piece of particle board over this crappy ass hole in the floor and the weight of the bed and us must have finally gotten to it cuz it just busted.

a guy from madison property management showed up and was wierd. he automaticly thought it was some sort of roughness that caused it and told us 'be more careful'

he was also talking about a wedding he was going to soon and said 'i dont want to go but my girlfriend... you know how girlfriends are about weddings... sorry man... didnt mean to say that in front of yours'

and also 'you guys are gonna be legends at the office'

oh... the wierdness

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