unmade decisions
Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005, 03:15

it's three am.

i just got home from dennys. i went with matt and heather. it was a good time... talked about work a lot.

last night i was laying in bed and had a meltdown. i really wanted to move home. i wrote my dad this really long email and i cried. he replied to it this morning and said i was always welcome there because it will always be my home.

i also called matt because i knew he would be awake and i needed to talk to someone. it really pissed nico off because apparently i want matt and why couldnt i talk to him (nico) about my problems.

but my problem is the fact that i havent felt anything for him in the past few weeks. i know it sounds really shitty of me, and it is, but its the damn truth

we spent all night fighting and i feel awful. he keeps promisiing he will change so he can be with me but i have a thing about change. you cant change to be with another person. the point is to be yourself and have them love you for being yourself.

to change would defeat the purpose.

and he's all angry at me because i didnt go buy and take a pregnancy test because he just realized that i'm late. last month virginia heather and i all started our periods on the same day. both virginia and heather are done... and i havent had mine.

but i think it's just stress and not pregnancy that has kept mine from coming. and either way, i cant change it... so i will find out eventually...

part of my freak out last night involved the fact that i dont want to work at pj's anymore. mostly cuz i put three thousand miles on my car in under a month.

well nico told aaron that i talked to matt last night. so aaron called matt and matt told him what we talked about.

so aaron cornered me and asked me if i was quitting... which i was totally not prepared to deal with because i dont know yet. i dont know anything yet. i just know i am not happy with the way my life is going and i need some way to change it.

he did give me tomorrow off so i'm gonna go home and see my dad and slinger and all that and just... see.

i think i'm not going to move home... i'll probably just stay at this apartment until the lease is up... who knows what i'll do for a roomate if miles decides to leave but...

and if i want to go in the summer... i will... but right now... i dont want to make a rash decision i will regret.

slinger is really small.

and i'm gonna start looking for a different job. if i find one i like i may offer aaron to come in and drive like two days... but no six days a week shit... it's nerve wracking and killing my car.

nico put in his two weeks... i would totally ask aaron if i could be a mgr... but... he'd never say yes. i love my job, but i cant handle the driving anymore. i'd stay if i could be manager...

i need to go to bed now... it's been a stressfull day and i just want to wake up and go back to slinger in the morning... and play with my dogs

laters

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