we bring the bump to the grind
Friday, Apr. 15, 2005, 22:13

another long friday...

i joke to matt about having sex with taylor.

i joke to matt about having sex with gay aaron because i am going to have his babies for him.

the taylor one bugs him more. i know i should stop but...

... it's my reflex... my protection...

it's a way for me to think i have options when, deep in my heart, i know i don't. i know i dont want anything but what i have.

and that knowledge frightens me. i dont know why. i can't explain it.

manager aaron was giving me shit last night... about how he talked to matt and matt was talking about having babies... i was 85 percent sure that he was fucking with me. but the 15 percent that wasnt sure... that's always stronger for some reason.

and i freaked out. my stomach twisted and i wanted to cry... i tweaked out on a customer (though she deserved it and after i told the story to aaron he just said to me 'that's all the meaner you could be to her?')

but i know now that it's not true. 100 percent sure... and i'm not worried about it.

the thing is...

why did i freak out?

the only reason i'm not ready to have kids right now... is money.

and the fact that i've only been with this guy for two months... and up until just a few days ago... couldnt think of him as a boyfriend cuz it was too scary.
but even that isnt a big deal... i mean... if money is the only reason... then... it really doesnt make a difference how long i've been with him... cuz it's what i "want"...

and it's not that i think that matt is moving to fast (or rather thought last night)

this has been a thought process entry and i just wound myself in a circle and dont know what else to say.

my fear is deeper than i can find. more confusing than i can explain.

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