why i'm a poopface
Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005, 01:34

i got it...

all night i was thinking about the email i sent mattmatt last night and i have it all figured out...

here's what i wrote at work today when i was a little upset.

"i was scared because nothing works like this for me - ever. by two months, annoying traits, being angry at my moodswings, inability to talk about my feelings on command boredom and my flirting causes fights.

there are no fights. i've never even felt like starting one... which i do from time to time. i still feel the same way i did the day i realized what he was doin, the day we saw the movie, the day he kissed me.

i know how things are supposed to go. this is not it. but 'supposed to' is sort of a broad term. i guess i know how things usually go. maybe this is how things shoudl be but i've been doing it wrong for the past five years. and not even realizing it.

so my brain has been working overtime. subconsiosly trying to make things the way i know them to be true. but when nothing goes wrong. when it all feels so right all of the time. i get scared and confused because it's not all the same. i freak and dont know why

but today is the first day i feel like something is wrong. that i did something bad.

i've gotten used to talking to him daily. he calls when he's bored at work. calls me at work jsut to say hi. i call him... whatever. nothing today... doesnt even answer when i call his phone.

i'm trying hard not to think something is wrong because i know how his week has been. open to close yesterday. open this morning. he's fried and he prolly just went home and passed out... and durring the day? the aliant takes up a lot of time and if they were busy there was no time to call me. it's just after last night's email... part of me has turned into a huge icky girl and wants some sort of response.

but that doesnt ease my mind. mostly because i know me. i know i mess things up. i never know how i manage to do it either.

all the email was was a thank you for being patient with me while i figure things out in sara world. letting me tell him the next day why i was upset. or cried after sex. or whatever. giving me time to process my thoughts to the point where i can say them out loud without sounding like a fool.

and in my own twisted way it was just to tell him how much i like being around him. he may not have gotten that... i'm sort of illusive when i write... but... it was there.

but most of me is happy to know that i'm not scared anymore. it's working... and it's going to keep working because he lets me be me. no one else has done that for me... and i hope that i do it for him. now i know that i can kick myself for being such a poopface."

only two more days til my day off.

excited am i?

yes

last - next