eternal
Saturday, Jun. 04, 2005, 00:12

i'm twenty years old and in 25 days i will be twenty one. for the past week matt has been saying 'you're probably going out for your birthday' and finally i said to him with complete conviction 'no i've been tellling you for weeks that i dont really want to go out' and i dont. i truly dont.

i know it's my right to go out and get completely smashed on my twenty first. but that's all it is. a right. not a requirement. i'm surrounded by people who beat me in age by four or five years. it's been that way since i moved to madison. when i do run into the occasional twenty year old, make friends... i feel a lot older. i feel like i'm back in high school when i hang out with them.

three months have passed in a wash. nothing overly exciting has happened but it has been all but boring. it took two seconds to get to june from february. i dont know what happened...

how i'm not sick of him - i dont know. finally though - things have started to bug me. but not in a way that bothers me. not in a 'oh god i need to end this way'

in a - wow - differences things that shwo we are different people but so compatable that the differences add to the match kind of way

i'm young and i'm ready to settle. ready to find something and someone stable in my life so the rest of what i have - the rest of my years i can have my fun - my responsible fun - and not have to worry. to just be safe

that's all i want. i want safety

i dont feel safe having to pack up all my stuff and move to a new zip code every year. i dont feel safe having nine dollars in my checking account three days before pay day... having only spent the other money on bills and gas.

i want the next few months to pass as fast and beautifully as the last few. i want my debt to be manageble. and less scary. i want to live somewhere tha feels like home. feels safe and secure from the moment i set foot inside.

sometimes i think i grew up too fast. but nothing sparked this. no hardships or truama. it's just how i happened.

i've smoked myself stupid. i've drank myself sick. i've had sex with random guys - and the girl - just for something to do. i've had my nights of infiniate and my days of bliss. and i feel that my youth is complete.

and while i know i will never actually grow up - that's too hard... and being a kid is too fun - i know that i have to be responsible now.

so i'm left with this confusion. confusion that sometimes leaks into the relationship that i may have been looking for for a long time. i thought i had it with jeremy - sometimes i sitll i think it could have worked. but it didnt. that's all that matters. my hindsight knows that it didnt work and it never would. i see that now.

this confusion makes me doubt what i am feeling. makes me doubt that it will last... because it never has before.

but i love him to death. the friendship we had before and the connection we have now. the understanding of my crazy cycles. the fact that being together... doing nothing... is all i look forward to every day.

he makes me happy every day. and i know from his actions that i do the same for him. so is he my safety? is this where my adult life actuallys starts?

and why do i worry that it wont work?

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