durring the hard times, remember clyde and marmaduke, they'll get you through
Friday, Apr. 22, 2005, 00:36

i kicked nico out last night. i told him he wasnt allowed to come back. i tried force to get him out, but i'm about 150lbs while he's over three hundred. i didnt get very far.

he refused. told me he wasnt leaving because he wanted to make my life hell.

at one point he wound up. he almost hit me

and for a split second i wanted him to. because of how badly i would have fucked him up. i probably would have gotten killed in the process, but he would be messed up and live to remember me.

today i realized just how dead he would be.

i walked into work and luke asked me what it's like to have a bunch of body guards. every guy at work (although they pay me to kiss girls) is like my brother. they will protect me because they care about me.

i'm truly scared at this point because of some of the things that have been said to my 'body guards' about what happened during our fight and they make me shake. they make me realize that nico has truly lost it.

i called my dad today again. he told me that when he comes out on saturday (he was planning to come out with yvonne and go fabric shopping with us so i can make her maternity clothes... that's not happening anymore) he is packing up all my shit and moving me out.

so i'm in limbo again for a bit... just like last summer. i'm staying with matt for the next few days until dad comes down and moves my shit (hopefully) to beefys... maybe to virginias.'

i'm staying with one of them throwing them as much money as i can afford, but still paying rent at the old place because nico refuses to find a new roomate.

when i called him to tell him i was moving out he told me i couldnt.

i had to stay or he would call the cops (i broke the back door window when i slammed the door in his face... apparently he's a bit scratched up)

i told him that there was no way i was staying after he tried to hit me once. he told me 'yea but i stopped myself'

who's to say he will stop himself next time.

i promised my mom and my step mom (who have both been in abusive marriages) that i would get out at the first sign of trouble.

i belive that a raised fist is one of those things.

i should get to bed now. i left matt alone in the living room to write this and i should get to bed i have to open in the morning.

i love matt...

i want to tell him, but i dont want to freak him out... cuz i'm sure his definition of the word love is different than mine... miles of difference there... my love is very out of the ordinary.

just like me.

but i make people happy

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